Stonewalling & Contempt

Have you ever been so fed up, hurt and disconnected from someone you love, that you just gave up fighting for the relationship? Have you felt demeaned, disrespected, put down or sarcastically attacked when you argue AND even when you don't? If so, chances are you're dealing with CONTEMPT in your relationship. 

Dr. John Gottman describes contempt as treating others in our relationship as nasty as we can by disrespecting, name calling, ridiculing, dismissing and displaying other non verbal communications that are designed to hurt and provoke (Gottman Institute, 2023).

In fact, when people are engaged in contemptuous relationships and interactions, they are even more likely to be receptive to infectious illnesses like colds, viruses and flus! Things literally get NASTY on a biological and physiological level! Most importantly if you find contempt in your marriage, consider the fact that it alone is THE single greatest predictor of divorce.

It's incredibly difficult to deal with being disrespected without adding fuel to a well consuming fire. What often happens as a result is that we tend to start walking away, ignoring or completely emotionally & physically disconnecting from the relationship. We stop talking all together and we shut down. This is what Gottman describes as STONEWALLING. 

When we have contempt & stonewalling in our relationships we can easily reach the brink of no return. Things are said that cause irreparable ongoing damage, push people away and cast doubt on the connection. A space is established, and it grows and grows between us until we are far enough apart that we can no longer recognize one another or even remember how to reach each other.

There is hope if you have contempt & stonewalling in your relationships. You absolutely CAN counteract BOTH with the following antidotes described by Gottman. 

First, the antidote to contempt starts with taking the time to appreciate the positive qualities in the other person. Obviously the relationship exists for plenty of reasons, try to remind yourself of what these reasons are routinely. Have gratitude for these qualities and consider them the next time contempt brews up in your heart. No one is perfect and you must remember to always extend grace, since you most likely have also made mistakes. Expressing gratitude and appreciation rather than contempt, can make the difference between pushing someone away forever or breaking a negative cycle that truly allows you to connect.

Next, the antidote for stonewalling is simple. When you're emotionally overwhelmed, fed up and tired of arguing, you understandably may begin to feel like you just want to disconnect completely. This is your mind's way of clueing you in that a break is necessary from all the stress and tension. 

So take one!

Be sure to audibly communicate that you're going to take a break so that your intentions are understood beforehand. You don't need permission but rather you want to make sure you're voicing your needs aloud, rather than allowing the other person to make assumptions that could add to the conflict. This can be as simple as a statement like:

"I'm sorry but this interaction is too much for me right now. I need to go for a drive to clear my head. I'll be back in an hour and if we're both calm, we can continue this discussion."

Go for a drive, a walk or a run if that's more your speed. Break away to do any new, less stressful activity for a bit. It's important to let your psyche rest, breathe and relax from stress to give yourself a chance to discover how you feel inside and what you might need to say. It's also important to consider how you might be able to communicate your thoughts and emotions in a more productive and healthy way. This allows you to be heard. So when you're ready, after your break, GO BACK and in your calmer state try again to communicate and connect.

Remember, using these antidotes can make the difference between a relationship ending forever or beginning a road to the connective restoration you truly desire and deserve. So the next time you find yourself thinking contemptuous thoughts; instead PLEASE practice extending gratitude and grace. Take breaks when things get too intense and work to stop avoiding, ignoring, and dismissing the elephant in the room with the silent treatment or hasty retreats. 

Although it doesn't happen overnight; being conscientious of contempt and stonewalling combined with genuine efforts to engage the antidotes can have a positive impact on every relationship in your life.