“Reasons Why You Should Use The Four Horsemen”

Link to Youtube Session: https://youtu.be/87DWtjbiP1U

What does it take to make a relationship work? Well, a healthy romantic relationship requires understanding, compromise and the willingness to work through the bad and you have to work hard for it to maintain it.

So, how do we maintain the relationship? The answer is very simple. The key is knowing your partner. The more you get to know each other, the more you can create intimacy with your partner. Initially, everything in a relationship looks very easy because of the emotions and you are very much in love. But, love is not always enough. Couples start to have issues based on their differences of opinion, not having proper communication between them, not giving space to each other, arguing with each other over little things and what not.

The presence of these issues doesn’t mean that your relationship or marriage is doomed. It’s very natural for couples to undergo these stages. Let us now take a look at marital researcher John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of Communication” which shows where couples struggle in their relationship. The goal is to have knowledge of relationship patterns, increase awareness, and replace negative behaviors.

The Four Horsemen of Communication

In our last session, we covered the two horsemen components which are Criticism/Complaints and Contempt. Today, we are going to be covering the last two components so that we all have a proper understanding of recognizing the patterns to create some healthy changes in our relationships. We discussed the last two components of “The Four Horsemen” which are (Defensiveness, Stonewalling) and we will also discuss the reversal techniques to combat them with positivity and willingness.

Horsemen 3: Defensiveness

We discussed how things can get escalated during a conflict and it mainly occurs when your partner doesn’t want to own up for their actions and instead defends themselves. We refer to it as the “innocent victim.” Rather than solving the issue, this happens when your partner doesn’t take responsibility for their actions. For instance, making lame excuses for your actions, having an underlying resentment etc. They tend to speak in a tone like, “Why are you picking up on me?”/ “Why do you always do that?” Thus, we get to see more negativity and your partner starts to disengage because your partner is trying to avoid the argument.

Solution/Reversal Technique

Own up for your actions and recognize your true feelings. It’s not only about blaming others or pointing out at each other baselessly. It’s all about perspective. We can show some empathy to our partners by offering them an apology or taking responsibility for our actions.

Horsemen 4: Stonewalling

During conflicts,we often see couples shutting out their partners emotionally which leads to no communication, no feedback, no response because they are trying to act like they are busy, not listening to you, manipulating aggressively and no eye-contact. This kind of isolation comes back from overwhelmed feelings.It’s like building a huge wall between yourself and your partner. It not only triggers negativity but also creates a big gap between yourself and your partner. For instance, “I want to run away from this argument/I don’t want to reply to that/Is that what you think of me?” The power of negativity is never ending and you’ve made up your mind to disagree with your partner and thus it’s triggering negativity.

Solution/Reversal Technique

It’s crucial to be willing to engage in conversations with our partners, to express our thoughts and feelings. No harm in being open and honest with our partners. Let’s try out some self-soothing techniques or simply take a break or give some space during those times.

So, let us take a moment to think about our relationships with our partners. Have you noticed any of the patterns that we’ve discussed here? Do you see any of the horsemen components being present in your current relationship? Would you like to apply the reversal techniques to create a healthy and beautiful relationship with your partner?