“How to communicate through conflict: Part 1”

Watch the Youtube Recording of the Session Below!

Link: https://youtu.be/YXocLOk8BLg

Who doesn’t want to create a healthy, happy and fulfilling relationship? So to put simply, communication is the most important aspect of any relationship. It’s not just any basic tool but a very powerful one which helps us to sustain relationships. In today’s session, we will be discussing the significance of communication in relationships.

Is avoidance in relationships considered healthy?

It totally depends on the relationship. Say suppose, when couples are in a heated argument and one of them is trying to avoid the situation in order to prevent it from being worse or your partner is not understanding you so that’s when a “cool-down” period is recommended. It’s wise to take some time-out. But, you’ve to bring up the issue that’s bothering you when both of you have sorted out your problems. Also, it’s important to over communicate then to under communicate.

In this session, we will also be discussing conflict resolution as well in John Gottman’s book “The 7 principles for making marriage work.” John Gottman has over 30 years of experience in regards to relationships, helping couples heal emotionally and also to communicate properly in relationships. Let’s talk about some healthy ways to resolve conflicts. There are mainly 5 steps to it but we will be going through the first step which is “Soften Your Start-Up.”

Soften Your Start-Up 

When you are communicating with someone, it all goes down to your manners. Let’s say you had a loved one coming to visit you and he/she/they accidentally broke a glass. What would your reaction be like? We tend to overreact in these kinds of situations because of the relationship we share with them. On the contrary, if it was our boss then the situation wouldn’t possibly be like this. We will be responding to them in a very subtle and calm tone like, “It’s okay!” We will be very nice and courteous but it’s not the same with our spouse/wife because we tend to simply criticize them over petty things.

Oftentimes in relationships, when communication is going bad things like whatever we discussed above take place. People treat outsiders better than they treat their partners or loved ones. We can build a healthy relationship by being nice and courteous to our partners. Men tend to hold on to the negativity compared to women. For example, it’s like you tend to shut down & feel like you are being attacked. That’s why they tend to avoid confrontation and it takes a while for them to calm down.

In order to resolve conflict and utilize the start-up approach, you have to avoid criticizing your partner or to stop being defensive. Negativity is built up from resentment because you are labelling them as “a person” in regards to the words you choose during your tiffs. Like, “Oh yes! It truly shows how you’ve been brought up.” Thus, your partner starts to become defensive and the cycle goes on. It creates distance, loneliness and what not! 

So, how do we break the never-ending cycle?

• Say things in a way that you are complaining but not criticizing. For instance, you are always cleaning up for your partner. They have agreed to do all their chores but they don’t simply do it. 

• Choose your words wisely and have a nice tone while conversing with your partner.

• Come up with an accountability plan in the most authentic way. 

• Be polite and appreciative.

• Don’t keep on piling up your thoughts.

Remember that a relationship is a process so you just have to be yourself with your partner to keep your relationship well-balanced.