Ways to Overcome Problems in a Relationship

No relationship is perfect. In all relationships there are problems. Some problems are solvable, and couples are easily able to resolve and move on from them. However, some problems may be perpetual. Perpetual problems can cause a lot of tension in a relationship. These are the sort of problems that are harder to get passed; that might break a couple. In fact, 69% of all conflicts fall under the “perpetual problem” category. That statistic alone is very worrying.

So what kind of conflict is considered a “perpetual problem”? They are problems that center on either a fundamental difference in your personalities, or a fundamental difference in your lifestyle needs. In a relationship or marriage, a couple will return to these sorts of problems over and over again. This can be devastating for a relationship because when you are not able to get passed the problem, it can cause gridlock within the relationship. When there is gridlock in a relationship, it can feel like no matter how much you talk about a problem, or try to resolve it, a resolution is never formed. This can lead to resentment and ultimately the dissolution of the relationship all together.

So what are some ways to avoid having perpetual problems and gridlock? There is what is known as the “Gottman Method” which focuses on building emotional intelligence and developing skills for managing conflict and enhancing friendship in couples. This method helps to create shared meaning within a relationship. The goal of the Gottman Method is to establish dialogue about the problem that shows your partner that you accept them with humor, affection, and even amusement. This gives both people a way to actively cope with the unresolvable problem, as opposed to allowing it to fester into gridlock. Couples should want to avoid gridlock as much as possible because it tends to lead to what is known as the “four horsemen” of criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness.

The dialogue about the problem is just as important as solving it, because at least you are talking about it and communicating your feelings. Gridlock creates what is known as “emotional disengagement” which is the last thing any couple should want. Emotional disengagement is a form of detachment as a way of coping with the negative emotional experience a person may be experiencing. When a couple is going through serious issues, detaching from one another will not help anything. In fact, it may just push the couple farther apart. It is vital for couples to try to get a handle on their perpetual problems before it leads to emotional disengagement.

If a couple balances their relationship more toward the positive, they have a better chance at getting passed their problems, whether they are solvable or perpetual. When there is a more positive outlook, a couple may be more willing to repair the tensions that exist. One way a couple can work toward getting past their perpetual problems is through nurturing their fondness and admiration of one another. Tell your partner something that you appreciate about them or maybe highlight the positive history and love that brought you together in the first place. Another way to repair the relationship is by turning towards each other instead of away. This helps to build romance and connection to give a couple something other to focus on instead of the stress and turmoil that exists.

Even a relationship that seems doomed for failure, has a chance of survival if a couple really works to mend all that has gone wrong. Solve your solvable problems. Work hard on the problems that seem never ending. But never forget about all the reasons why you chose to be with your partner in the first place. Talk to one another. Remember that bond and that friendship that you both share. Do not let the negative consume you. No relationship is easy; it is about finding the reasons to fight for one another when things really get tough. Those are the moments that will truly define your love for one another and who you are as a couple.