10 Signs Your Partner is Gaslighting You

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As we rapidly approach the end of 2022, Merriam-Webster has come out with their yearly “Word of the Year.” The word that the famous dictionary chose to wrap up the year with is “Gaslighting.” I found this to be very interesting, especially in the context of mental health and relationship dynamics. 

What is Gaslighting? 

Gaslighting is the psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator. ("gaslighting." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, 2022.)

Gaslighting is something that occurs frequently within relationships most would consider to be unhealthy or toxic. It is a form of mental and emotional abuse and can be traumatic for the one who is being gaslit. Gaslighting can make a person doubt themselves and their truth and make it very hard for them to leave a relationship, even when they know it may be what’s best for them. 

Long Term Effects of Gaslighting: 

  • Anxiety

  • Depression

  • Isolation

  • Psychological Trauma

  • PTSD symptoms

  • A negative impact on self-esteem

  • Self-doubt

  • Insecurity

Since gaslighting is indeed a form of abuse, it is beneficial to be able to recognize the signs, especially in romantic relationships. If you or someone you know is currently struggling with gaslighting and its effects, therapy may serve as a positive way to cope and heal from its effects. Call us today to schedule an appointment with one of our therapists.

According to Grampian Women's Aid (2019,) the following are 10 signs of gaslighting behavior:

1. Blatant Lies - You know the person is lying, often and with ease, yet they say they do not recognize this in their behavior. You begin to have self-doubt, question everything and become uncertain of the simplest matters.

2. Deny, Deny, Deny - You know what they said. They deny ever saying it. They ask you to prove they said it. You start to question your memory.  Perhaps they were right, they never said it.  Increasingly you question your reality and accept theirs.

3. Using What You Love Against You - This is a manipulative tactic used by the gaslighter, causing the person to question themselves and things they hold close. For example, If the person loves their job, the gaslighter will find issues with it. If they have children, the gaslighter will make them believe they should not have had them, that they’re a poor parent.

4. Losing Your Sense of Self - The gaslighting continues methodically and continuously over a long period of time.  The victim, over time, becomes a different person.  Self-confidence disappears, and the victim becomes a shadow of their former self.  Their reality and being becomes that of the abuser. 

5. Words Versus Actions - A gaslighter will talk and talk to convince a person of their concern for them.  However, their actions will not reflect the words.  

6. Love and Flattery - A gaslighter will tear a person down, build them back up and tear them right down again. This abusive pattern becomes reality for the victim and the praise associated with the building back up convinces them to think the abuser isn’t all bad.

7. Confusion - A gaslighter instills constant and consistent confusion leading the victim to become desperate for clarity.  As the person searches for clarity from the abuser, the cycle continues and the abuser’s power increases.

8. Projecting - A gaslighter projects their actions on to their victim.  For example, if the gaslighter is a liar and a cheater, they accuse the victim of being a liar and a cheater. The person feels that they constantly need to defend themselves for things they have not done.

9. “You’re crazy” - The gaslighter knows the person is already questioning their sanity. They also know the victim is searching for clarity.  Hence, when they call the person crazy, the person believes it. The gaslighter will also tell other people the victim is crazy or mad.  Hence, if the victim ever approaches those people for help, they will most likely not be believed.

10. Everyone Else is A Liar - The gaslighter may tell the person everyone else is against them and that everyone is lying. Such action further blurs the victim’s sense of reality and increases their dependence on the gaslighter.