Tips to Overcome Fear of Abandonment
/How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you are constantly worrying that your partner is going to leave you? Or maybe you struggle with commitment issues and fear getting too close to people as a way to protect yourself from being abandoned? Constant fear or anxiety that someone is going to leave you, even when they’ve given you no reason to think they will, is what we would call a “fear of abandonment” or abandonment anxiety.
Fear of abandonment is not a mental health condition, however, it can be linked to several different mental health conditions such as borderline personality disorder (BPD) and avoidant personality disorder. It is also thought that not having a secure attachment during childhood is directly correlated to abandonment anxiety.
What Are the Types of Abandonment?
Emotional Abandonment - Refers to emotional distance. If you’ve been emotionally neglected in the past by parents, a caregiver, or a partner, you might fear that other people will neglect you too.
Physical Abandonment - Happens when an important person exits your life. For example, you might live with fear of abandonment today that is connected to a parent leaving in your childhood.
Signs and Symptoms of Fear of Abandonment
Panic or anxiety about being alone or not coupled.
Sensitivity to criticism or rejection.
Shame and self-blame when something goes wrong in the relationship.
Fear of intimacy or closeness.
Worry when a relationship seems to be going “too well”.
Distrust.
Using comfort foods or substances to cope when stressed about a relationship.
Tendency to pull away physically or emotionally when feeling criticized.
Codependency, or placing the needs of a partner over your own.
History of relationships that haven’t supported your mental and emotional health.
Tendency to become attached quickly in a new relationship.
How Does Fear of Abandonment Affect Relationships?
Impacts your interactions and how you interpret your partner’s reactions and behaviors.
Feel you have to act a certain way to keep your partner.
Trouble being intimate and expressive out of fear of rejection.
May spend a lot of time looking for flaws in your partner or the relationship.
If fear of abandonment overlaps with a personality disorder, relationships can be even more affected.
What Causes Fear of Abandonment?
As we briefly touched on at the beginning of this article, fear of abandonment can be attributed to childhood events such as trauma and neglect, and personality disorders like BPD. However, regardless of what the anxiety stems from, our attachment style plays a huge role in the continuity and severity of the condition.
Attachment theory is a concept that was developed by a psychologist, John Bowlby. Through his theory, it is suggested that how we connect with our caregivers as children, is what defines how we form attachments with people as adults.
Attachment styles are categorized in the following four ways:
Anxious (also referred to as Preoccupied)
Avoidant (also referred to as Dismissive)
Disorganized (also referred to as Fearful-Avoidant)
Secure
Anxious, avoidant and disorganized attachment styles are known as “insecure attachments”. A child can develop an insecure attachment style when their physical and emotional needs are not met by their caregiver. This type of attachment style can make it harder for people to form connections with others.
However, when a child grows up in a nurturing home where their physical and emotional needs are fulfilled, they are more likely to form a secure attachment style. They will also have a greater tendency to grow into an adult that is able to build deep, meaningful and long-lasting relationships.
Tips to Overcome Fear of Abandonment:
Therapy - Through therapy you can discover your attachment style and how it affects your relationships and learn how to form secure attachments. A therapist can also diagnose any personality disorders and help you heal from childhood trauma.
Self-Discovery - Learning about yourself can help you identify how abandonment anxiety impacts your thoughts and actions — and, as an extension of those things, your relationships.
Support Groups - Community and connection can be important parts of healing from trauma.
Self-Compassion - Self-compassion, a way of viewing yourself first with kindness instead of judgment, can help you combat shame and other thoughts that might come up alongside your abandonment anxiety.
