Youtube Link of Session: https://youtu.be/p-SdwX4xw2I

Healthy and proper communication within a relationship is highly important. If a couple does not know how to communicate properly or in a healthy manner, communication might not really happen at all. This can slowly start to cause the dissolution of a relationship, as both parties are unable to tell their partner what they want or need from one another, the relationship, or how they feel about a certain thing. Both partners might be unaware about how one another feels about a subject or conflict.

In a healthy relationship, both parties know how to effectively communicate so that their partner is always privy to what they want or need and the relationship can flourish. There is no assumption, no beating around the bush, no fear, no guessing. Everything is laid out clearly so both partners do not have to be left in wonder or unawareness.

The Four Horsemen of Communication

In this session, we discussed the power of communication in a relationship to examine how to strengthen the relationship. We go over the highs and lows of each relationship to take a more introspective and deeper look into the core values and takeaways of positive relationship techniques. We discussed two of the four horsemen of communication (Criticism, Contempt) and the reversal techniques to combat them such as empathy, validation, and problem solving.

Horseman 1: Criticism/Complaints

We discussed the differences regarding how contained a complaint is in comparison to a criticism which is global. Complaints are healthy within a relationship as they push towards improvement. A complaint expresses emotions about a particular thing, and it offers a direct link to what an individual wants. “You did not do the dishes, and it upset me. Can you please do them?”. This is a complaint, and it is healthy for communication because it directly addresses the issue and how to resolve it. Criticism, as stated previously, is global and expresses negativity about one’s character or persona. “You just don’t care!” is an expression of criticism that comes from an angry place and holds no value in resolving the issue. Comparatively, complaints are intended as a buildup that can fix a problem, while criticism is a buildup to more negativity and only serves to enhance the issue further.

Horseman 2: Contempt

Contempt is in essence, a kind of disrespect that manifests itself after a long period of negative emotions brewing in one over their partner, or from an issue between two people going unresolved for too long. Contempt can lead to belligerence, which is aggressive in nature and often comes paired with hostility. A request of “Can you take out the trash” could be met with “what are you going to do if I don’t?”. This is wholly unnecessary behavior and is not conducive to a positive relationship environment.

“If any of these Horsemen are present in your relationship, 9/10 of these relationships will end in divorce” ~ John Gottman

Other Notable Points:

• Discuss the highs and lows for any given week in your relationship.

• Ask yourself, do you work together with your significant other?

• Engage in dialogue to strengthen the ability of focusing on one issue at a time.

• Allow each other to complete their thought or point in order to fully flesh out each issue.

• Try summarizing what your partner has said to you in order to emphasize that you heard and understood what they have said.

• Try not to make assumptions about what your partner wants or needs.

• Practice validating each other’s feelings.

• Work together on effective problem solving techniques.

• Express yourself with maximum clarity.