How Counseling Can Help Save Your Marriage or Relationship
By Leigh Demetrius
Do you need Marriage/Couples Counseling?
Let us play a game called the “Yes or No” game. How it works is, you will be asked thirteen questions and if you answered “Yes” to most of these questions, then that means a marriage/couple’s therapist is highly recommended. Shall we begin?
Do you worry that your marriage/relationship is headed in the wrong direction?
Do you oftentimes criticize one another?
Do you believe the communication is poor between both of you?
Do you or your partner ever get emotionally or physically out of control?
Is there a lot of defensiveness in your marriage/relationship?
Are you unable to discuss your concerns or feelings?
Do you experience the same conflict over and over without resolution?
Do you tend to withdraw from one another?
Do you think that with some effort your marriage/relationship could be better?
Do you feel contempt and anger towards each other?
Do you find yourself thinking regularly about someone else?
Is there a significant secret which you have not told your partner?
Do you sense that you and your partner are growing apart?
To save your marriage (or relationship in your case), it is important to seek help sooner rather than later for the counseling to be remarkably effective.
How to Find a Good Marriage/Couples Therapist
Finding a good marriage/couple’s therapist can be a difficult process. There are instances where you may have to meet with more than one until you find the right fit. You will come across therapists who mean you well but are not qualified to do this type of therapy.
To make this process an even easier one for you, here are a few ways:
Choose one with the right qualifications Do not be afraid to ask the potential therapist about their professional qualifications and experiences. Go for the therapist with a significant amount of years of experience, as opposed to a therapist who is relatively new to the profession. Also, it is highly likely that their past or present clients will leave reviews and other indications online for you to believe that they will be the right fit for you.
They should be unbiased and neutral Sometimes one partner might choose a therapist that they may know personally because they believe that they will be on their side. This is a big no no!! A professional marriage/couple’s therapist should NEVER take sides and should always remain neutral, even if they know one or both partners. Choose a therapist both you and your partner can agree on and ensure that any previous acquaintances are disclosed and discussed before choosing that therapist.
A therapist with similar belief systems A couple might feel more comfortable working with a therapist who shares the same beliefs as them. A perfect example is of Christian couples seeking a Christian marriage/couple’s therapist in Baltimore Md.
More about fixing the problem than the money You know how costly therapy can be, especially with the number of sessions needed in order to effectively handle the presented issues in your marriage/relationship. You may ask yourself, “how do I pick up on this?” If you find that they do not accept your insurance but are willing to work out financial agreements to meet the needs of their clients, right away it is evident that he or she is not about the billing, but more so about helping repair your marriage/relationship.
The Effectiveness of Marriage/Couples Counseling
Most marriage/couples counselors practice using the Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). This form of therapy changes the constricted patterns of interaction between distressed couples and thereby changes the emotional responses to each other. In other words, EFT helps strengthen the emotional bond between both partners. It requires a minimum of six months of commitment but may require more, depending on other factors.
The effectiveness is measured using the most common outcome measure, a questionnaire, called the Dyadic Adjustment Scale (DAS). Fun Fact: this measure has been used since 1976. Its major positive outcome is the reduction in complaints between partners.
To increase the chances of having a positive outcome from counseling, you must ensure that you both are willing to participate. Ascertain this by:
No longer viewing each other as the opponent but on the same team. This increases cooperation and each person’s willingness to be emotionally vulnerable.
Feeling empathy for your partner. Have compassion for each other’s feelings of vulnerability and past emotional traumas.
Owning your part in the problems, as well as the process of bringing about positive change. Many times couples come to therapy with a list of complaints about the other person, and an underlying desire for the therapist to change their behavior. Even though these complaints are valid, nothing can be resolved unless both individuals are open to change some aspects of their own behavior.