By Brianna Boyd

As a child growing up in this beautiful, crazy, sometimes harsh world, it is absolutely needed to have a positive and secure foundation for us to be able to flourish as an individual. We build this foundation through our parents and/or caregivers, and we look to them to provide us this foundation through loving us and fulfilling our needs, especially our emotional needs. 

As children, there are 5 critical emotional needs that need to be met by the people who love and care for us in order to feel safe and secure in the world. 

Let’s take a look at what exactly those needs are: 

1. Respect - Treated with kindness and courtesy.

2. Importance - Feeling appreciated and useful.

3. Acceptance - Feelings, opinions and ideas are valued. Uniqueness is valued.  

4. Inclusion - Feeling connected to others. Be part of something useful. 

5. Security - Feeling cared for. Feeling safe and protected.

What happens when those critical needs are neglected in some way? Our success in school, work, friendships, relationships and marriage, and just life in general, can all be negatively affected. The cracks in one’s foundation may begin to show themselves in the form of how we view ourselves, how vulnerable we allow ourselves to be, how we communicate, how capable we are to make decisions, how we treat others and how we allow others to treat us. 

Here are some ways the trauma from being neglected as a child can manifest itself in one’s life:

• They might grow up feeling unvalued and unloved, like no one ever really cared about them.

• They just accept being treated poorly by others.

• They feel disconnected from everyone and the world around them. 

• They might be more inward and closed off and withhold details about themselves from their friends and loved ones.

• They minimize their own needs while putting the needs of others on a pedestal.

• They lack self-care

• They don’t know how to handle conflict. 

• They have trouble communicating how they really feel. 

The neglected child grows up into an adult feeling lost and full of distrust and low self-worth, feeling and thinking they are unlovable, and unworthy of love–unworthy of having their emotional needs met. It becomes normal for them because that’s all they are used as that is the foundation that they were given. 

On the outside, their lives may seem perfectly normal, however, it is the internal struggle they deal with on a daily basis that wreaks havoc on their life. They might be that person who moves from relationship to relationship hoping to find the love they were never given as a child. They might choose romantic partners who are emotionally, mentally and/or physically abusive without ever questioning to leave because they do not think they deserve any better. Maybe they continue to stay at a job where they are not valued. 

People who were neglected as children don’t want to be a burden to anyone; so they never speak up about how they truly feel, and they probably don’t think anyone cares enough to know anyway. They might constantly apologize even when there is no need to. People-pleasing, codependency, self-loathing, depression, anxiety, even suicidality can all be things they struggle with. It can be a lifelong struggle that feels never-ending, especially if they never gain the awareness about just how deeply they have been affected by their childhood neglect. 

As adults, we bring children into this world; children do not make the decision to be born. It is our duty as their parents and caretakers to love them and care for them the way they critically need to be loved and cared for. Just like we make sure they have food, water and shelter, we must ensure that they also feel loved, heard, validated and valued. It is our duty to make sure they feel nothing other than safe and secure in this world. 

Talk to your children. Understand how they are feeling. Get to know them on the deepest emotional level possible. Don’t ever make them feel as though they do not matter. Be attentive to not only their physical needs, but their emotional needs as well. Fill their cup, so they don’t spend their lives feeling empty and constantly seeking to fill the void they feel inside. 

If you or someone you know is struggling with the effects of childhood neglect, therapy is a great solution to help one overcome and recover from the effects. We have therapists available to help one begin their healing journey and to show them just how worthy they are of love and a happy and fulfilling life. Contact us today to schedule an appointment.

How to Recover from Childhood Neglect

• Deeply acknowledge the way emotional neglect happened in your family and how it’s affected you.

• Accept that your emotions are blocked off, but they are still there, waiting for you.

• Pay attention to your feelings.

• Practice sitting with negative feelings to increase your tolerance.

• Keep an ongoing list of your Likes and Dislikes.

• Develop and practice compassion for yourself.

• Become aware of the feeling of anger when it happens in your body.

• Read a book on assertiveness.

• Share your CEN (childhood emotional neglect) story with someone close to you.

• Look for the effects of CEN on your primary relationships.

• Get into therapy or join a support group. 

• Surround yourself with positive people who reinforce their love for you.

• Remove anyone from your life who makes you feel anything less than worthy.