“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” –Marianne Williamson

Forgiveness can be such a tricky thing. Most of the time, forgiveness can feel like the last thing you would ever want to do. Especially when a wound still feels fresh, or when you have not received much closure about something that has hurt you. It is perfectly normal to want to hold on to that pain or feel the need to get back at someone. When we feel hurt, that is a natural response; we are only human after all. The act of forgiveness takes strength and a lot of introspection. It takes maturity and the ability to look at things from a higher perspective. Most of all, it takes willingness. However, knowing forgiveness is an important aspect in all relationships, whether they are intimate, familial or friendships.

The inability to forgive others (or ourselves), can negatively impact the relationships we have as well as our quality of life. When a person is unable to forgive it usually hurts them more than the person they are refusing to forgive. This unforgiveness eventually turns into long-term agony and suffering—which can end up feeling like a self-imposed mental prison. When you are hyper-focused on the pain someone has inflicted upon you, it will consume you. You will constantly wonder about why they did what they did, or why they did not apologize, or why you deserved that. It can become an endless cycle of negative thoughts which can lead to anxiety or depression.

Forgiveness is vital for a person’s mental health. When one makes the conscious decision to let go of any feelings of resentment, vengeance or ill-will toward a person who they perceive has hurt them, mentally they will feel freer and more at peace. Understand that forgiveness is not condoning, agreeing, accepting, or forgetting what happened. Forgiveness just gives a person a path to move past the issue instead of carrying it around and letting it weigh them down. By forgiving, you are accepting the reality of a situation and finding a way to live in a state of resolution with it. This can be a gradual process, so take the time to work through your feelings.

To truly be happy, one must find a way to let go of any anger, hurt, or betrayal that they feel. Always remember that forgiveness is for YOU. Let go simply because the burden is too heavy. Let go so that you can heal. Know that the benefits of forgiving outweigh the negatives. Forgiveness can free up mental space for more positive things. It can also help relationships grow by making them stronger and increasing the ability to resolve conflict. Most importantly, forgiveness can bring you peace. Of course you will still remember what happened, but you will not be bound to it any longer. Honor yourself by forgiving whoever it is that has wronged you and forgive yourself if you need to as well. By doing so, you affirm to the universe and all of its inhabitants that you deserve to be happy.

Reasons Why Forgiveness is Hard

• You are filled with thoughts of retribution or revenge

• You enjoy feeling superior

• You do not know how to resolve the situation

• You are addicted to the adrenaline that anger provides

• You self-identify as a “victim”

• You are afraid that by forgiving you have to re-connect or lose your connection with the other person

Four Steps to Forgive

• Think about the incident that angered you. Accept that it happened. Accept how you felt about it and how it made you react. In order to forgive, you need to acknowledge the reality of what happened and how you were affected.

• Acknowledge the growth you experienced as a result of what happened. What did it make you learn about yourself, or about your needs and boundaries?

• Think about the other person. He or she is flawed because all human beings are flawed. He or she acted from limited beliefs and a skewed frame of reference because sometimes we all act from our limited beliefs and skewed frames of reference. When you were hurt, the other person was trying to have a need met. What do you think this need was and why did the person go about it in such a hurtful way?

• Decide whether or not you want to tell the other person that you have forgiven him or her. If you decide not to express forgiveness directly, then do it in your own way. Say the words, “I forgive you,” aloud and then add as much explanation as you feel is merited.

We understand how hard it can be sometimes to let go of things like pain, anger, and betrayal. The Lartey Wellness Group can provide you with the tools to learn forgiveness and start on your path toward healing.